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Tags: fic: in the blink of an eye jared/chad jensen/jared
Published : 9 months ago (Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:02:44 PDT)
Searched: jensen
http://dying-sacrifice.livejournal.com/77418.html 0 links
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Title: In the Blink of an Eye
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kuhekabir
Art: winchester84
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, Jared/Chad
Rated: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: One minute everything is going good in Jensen’s life and the next everything is turned upside down. How will he cope? Can he get his life back in order or will he have to move forward into a life he never asked for?
Disclaimer: I wish I could say I own these beautiful boys, but I cannot lay a claim to something that isn’t mine. This is just a work of fiction, nothing you read has happened in real life. This isn’t meant to offend anyone and I’m making no profit from it.
Chapter Eleven
Jensen has gotten by the best that he can in the past two weeks, which seemed to pass by at a crawling pace yet rather quickly at the same time. He has done everything he can think of to keep his mind off of Jared and all his problems involving the shaggy haired man. He has thrown himself into his physical therapy, determined to get his strength back and be well enough to go home. He hopes that day will come soon too, because he doesn’t know how much longer he can stay in this hospital without going insane.
It has been a slow uphill climb to recovery for him, even though his doctor says he is doing very well and will likely be able to go home in a week, maybe a week and a half. This is good news, the best actually, but still Jensen thinks the road to recovery has been a long one and it’s wearing him down. He has recovered the strength in his leg muscles though, which is a very good thing. He still has a ways to go, his leg muscles aren’t up to a hundred percent yet, but he can walk now mostly without the help of another person so he figures it is an accomplishment.
The physical therapy always leaves him feeling drained and in pain but he pushes forward with determination, the only thing keeping him from giving up. It isn’t always easy, some days are harder than others, but determination is really the only thing he has and he uses it with the forcefulness that Dean Winchester would if in a similar situation.
Jensen wants nothing more than to leave this hospital and go back to the comfort of his home, craves that familiarity so bad he can almost taste it. There is only one problem with this though. He doesn’t have a home anymore. Once he leaves the hospital he will have to move back in with his parents for a while, at least until he gets back on his feet. He certainly doesn’t have everything figured out, but he doesn’t really need to at the moment. He is simply taking things one day at a time, and once he is out of this damn hospital he can figure out where he’s going to live and what he will do for work.
He must admit that it isn’t that bad here at the hospital, all things considered. He has gotten to know Brad a lot better and the man is more than just Jensen’s nurse, Jensen likes to think of the guy as his friend as well. Brad is one of the people that have made his stay at the hospital at least bearable and he couldn’t thank the man enough for it. It is tough being stuck in this room all the time, sometimes he feels so fidgety and restless he thinks he’ll crawl right out of his own skin. But, Brad stops by often, even on his days off, and just sits with Jensen for hours. Sometimes they just sit and talk, about mostly random things, but it passes the time and Jensen finds he looks forward to the man’s visits. Other times Brad will show up with a board game and cup of coffee for Jensen in hand.
The blue eyed man has become a good friend to him and Jensen just hopes they don’t lose touch once he gets released from the hospital, he would like to remain friends with him if he can.
Tired of laying in bed and unwilling to do it a minute longer, Jensen tosses his legs over the side of his bed and gingerly rises to his feet, using the guard rail as leverage and to ensure he doesn’t lose his balance. Once he is positive his legs won’t give out on him, he slowly makes his way to the chair by the window and stands directly behind it so he can grab the back should his legs decide to rebel against him.
Jensen enjoys the feel of warm sunlight on his face but still can’t help but wish he could go outside and get some fresh air. He has been allowed outside once so far, once the doctor deemed him well enough, but he can never go without the aid of a nurse. He would enjoy the feel of sunshine on his skin without the window as a barrier but Brad isn’t working today and Jensen doesn’t really like the nurses that are on duty at the moment. They always seem bored and impatient with him and if there is one thing Jensen hates, it is to feel like a burden, to anyone.
And so, he stands by the window of his room and looks out upon a world he doesn’t quite feel a part of. He aches to join it once more, to get his life in order and see where this new road takes him. More than anything he just wants Jared back, wants to go back to the life that was ripped away from him, but he knows there is no possible way that he can so instead he will settle with following a new path. A path that is equally frightening as it is exciting.
He has no doubt that endless possibilities lay out in front of him, he just needs to choose the ones right for him. This is his chance at a fresh start and the last thing he wants is to let it pass him by, he refuses to drown in depression and wallow in self pity, though that sounds like the easiest route. There are other people to think about though, not just himself, and those people are counting on him to get better. They have waited four years for him to wake up, never gave up hope even though they were discouraged time and time again by doctors, the least Jensen can do is fight to get his life in order, for them.
Several people have come to see him since he woke up and he is grateful to them for it. It is nice knowing they care and are happy he is awake, is alive. The people he was happiest to see however, were his brother and Jeff. He hasn’t been able to see his brother as often in the past as he’d like, always busy with work, but he would like to change that now that he has more time on his hands. It was also really nice seeing Jeff because he hasn’t seen the man since the last time he visited the set of Supernatural, which had been four months before Jensen’s accident.
The thought of his friend brings a smile to his face, recalling the older man’s visit. He had entered the room with that brilliant smile on his face that always made Jensen feel like all was right in the world. Jeff’s smile has always made Jensen feel that way, even when he was in the shittiest of moods; he couldn’t help but cheer up slightly when Jeff flashed that smile his way. Jeff just has a way of pulling you out of those dark corners of your mind and shedding a little light on your darkest days.
Jeff had promised to stay in town for a few days and catch up, so Jensen is really hoping he picks today to stop by because Jensen has been alone for the better part of the day and he’s starting to get bored out of his mind. Not to mention, he doesn’t have much time to dwell over Jared when he has visitors, so he tries to stay in the company of others as often as he possibly can. It is the only thing keeping him from falling apart.
“Are you okay?”
Jensen looks up at the sound of Brad’s voice and finds the man standing just inside the doorway, looking at Jensen with genuine concern on his face. Jensen can’t help but gape at him in surprise for a moment because he honestly wasn’t expecting him to show up today. Sure, he has visited on his days off before, that is nothing new, but he usually lets Jensen know beforehand. He is pleased to see the raven haired man though.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jensen replies with a soft smile of reassurance. “Just kind of bored though, pretty tough to entertain myself when confined to this room all the time and there’s only so much TV I can watch before I feel like tearing my hair out.”
Brad chuckles softly as he crosses the room and takes a seat at the tiny table. Jensen joins him a moment later, lowering himself onto the chair he had been leaning against. Brad slides a bottle of grapefruit juice along the table top, which he must’ve bought from the cafeteria, and Jensen sends him a grateful smile. He has been thirsty for a while now but he hadn’t wanted to bother any of the nurses, knowing it would be like pulling teeth just trying to grab one of their attention long enough to ask for a drink. Not all of the nurses are as attentive as Brad.
Jensen glances up from opening his juice and stops short at the smile he finds on Brad’s face, wondering why the dark haired man is smiling at him like that. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Jensen asks with a soft laugh, curiosity and discomfort in his voice.
Brad visibly shakes himself out of his thoughts and blushes slightly at being caught staring. “Nothing really, I was just thinking about how good you’re doing compared to when you woke up,” he says with a nonchalant shrug.
Jensen thinks back to how weak he had been a few weeks ago, the muscle spasms he had to endure and the times he would lose his grip on things, how he couldn’t even get out of bed without assistance. All things considered, he guesses he has made good progress. “Yeah, I’m certainly feeling a lot better now than I was a few weeks ago.” Jensen finally speaks, a bit of self pride bleeding into his tone.
“You’re walking on your own now, are getting better at it every day in fact, and you’re regaining strength in your arms. Not to mention you’re looking a lot healthier now, color returning to your complexion. I just… I’m proud of you.” Brad admits with a shy smile, chuckling through his awkwardness. “And I envy you. You’ve shown a lot of determination, going to your physical therapy without a complaint, and you’re doing this all on your own. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
Jensen can’t stop a blush from blossoming on his cheeks, which happens every time he gets a compliment, and he turns his face away from Brad’s perceptive eyes, opting to gaze outside the window. “Thanks,” he whispers softly and allows a small smile to play on his lips as a comfortable silence descends upon them.
The late afternoon sun is shining brightly and Jensen feels a pang of longing as he sees the leaves on the trees swaying in the breeze. He is tired of being holed up in this room; he would like nothing more than to feel that breeze on his face, to breathe in some fresh air rather than antiseptic and other medical scents.
“You want to go outside?” Brad’s voice draws him out of his thoughts and he has to forcibly tear his eyes off the window.
“I’d like to but I don’t want to bother anyone.”
“You’re too nice for your own good,” Brad tells him with a roll of his eyes, a teasing but slightly serious smile on his face. “It’s their job to take you outside sometimes. If you want to go outside you should tell them, I know they can be jerks at times, but you shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.”
“I really don’t want to be a hassle,” Jensen insists with a shake of his head. “Besides, they’d just stand around looking bored and I’d just be uncomfortable anyway. It’s better to just stay in here.”
“No, they shouldn’t make you feel like a burden while you’re staying here Jen, it’s not right.” Brad says firmly as he rises from his chair. “I’ll go track down your doctor, get his approval, and then we’ll head outside.”
“Do you really think he’ll go for it? I mean, it’s your day off.” Jensen points out, unsure.
“It might be my day off but I’m still a nurse here.” He responds with a laugh as he starts backing out of the room. “He won’t mind if I take you outside for a little while, so don’t worry about it. I’ll be right back, just sit tight.”
Jensen just nods his head and watches as Brad disappears from the room.
۞ ۞ ۞
The moment Jensen steps outside he takes in a deep breath of fresh air and relishes in the feel of the breeze caressing his skin. Brad stands silent at his side, giving him this time to truly enjoy being outside, not rushing him in any way. Jensen knows he doesn’t have much time out here, the doctor only permitting him a half an hour at the most, and he is determined to fully enjoy it.
After a few more moments of just standing in place, eyes closed and a small smile lifting his lips, Brad leads him over to a bench and they take a seat. The warmth of the bench seeps in through the thin pants hanging loosely off his hips and he can’t help but sigh contentedly. The sound of birds chirping can be heard coming from the trees directly above their heads and the familiar sound is soothing to Jensen for some reason he can’t begin to explain.
As he sits there in silence with Brad he allows his thoughts to wander, but unfortunately all his mind can seem to think about is Jared. This isn’t anything new of course, Jensen thinks about the younger man often, but right now is not the time to be thinking about his ex lover. Ex lover, that still sounds so wrong to Jensen. He misses the younger man’s presence like a severed limb, his life just feels incomplete without Jared in it and he feels lost.
He has had a lot of time to think about things over the past two weeks and he has come to a few conclusions. He would like to be Jared’s friend again one day, he would rather have Jared as his friend than not have him at all, but right now he just doesn’t think he has the strength it would require. The pain is still too fresh, he needs to heal and move on with his life before he can let Jared back in, even just as his friend.
Ever since he learned about Jared and Chad he was wanted to blame Jared, has been so angry and let down. He still can’t help feeling a little betrayed because he fell into the arms of the one person Jensen was so insecure about, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Jared to be happy. Once he looks passed the pain ripping apart his soul he can admit all he wants and has ever wanted was for Jared to be happy. It kills him to think that Chad makes him happy, and part of him can’t forgive him for being with the blonde, but he understands that four years is a long time to wait when there was very little hope. He isn’t upset that Jared moved on, he would never want Jared to put his life on hold like that, especially if Jensen really hadn’t woken up.
Jared moved on with his life, and in a way Jensen is glad he did, but he just wishes he could find a way to do the same. That is a hard thing to do though, when you have no desire or will to see it through. Right now Jensen feels like his life has very little meaning and he is only holding on, trying to be strong for his loved ones’ sake. This makes him feel pathetic and weak but he cannot deny the truth of it.
“Hey,” Brad’s voice draws him out of his thoughts once more and he finds a familiar look of concern on the man’s face. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Jensen doesn’t say anything for a long moment, silently contemplating this question. “No,” he finally admits, voice no louder than a whisper. “No, I don’t think I am.”
Brad’s sky blue eyes watch him carefully, genuine concern and remorse in their depths. “This is about Jared, isn’t it?” He asks, though he already knows the answer.
Jensen doesn’t answer, feels it is pointless anyway since the answer is an obvious one. He has been in a depressed state ever since Jared broke the news to him and everyone knows it. He hasn’t spoken about Jared and no one has pressured him to talk, thankfully, but they can tell this whole situation has taken its toll on Jensen. He can see it in their eyes, in the way they all look at him sometimes. Like they want to help him but aren’t quite sure how. Jensen knows it isn’t exactly healthy to bottle everything up but he has done it for so many years that he doesn’t think he knows how to talk about his feelings anymore.
Brad shifts on the bench so he facing Jensen and reaches out tentatively, almost unsure, as he lays a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “You know you can talk to me if you ever need to,” he tells Jensen softly, sincerity in his words as well as his eyes. “If you ever need to talk about Jared, or anything at all, I’d be willing to listen and I’ll try to help you if I can.”
A smile pulls at Jensen’s lips at these words. “Thanks, maybe I’ll take you up on your offer, one day.” He says truthfully, not sure he’ll ever be able to talk about Jared, to anyone, but then again stranger things have happened.
It is nice to know there is someone he can go to should he ever feel the need to talk though, and knowing it isn’t someone close to the situation, like Chris or Steve, kind of makes him feel a little more comfortable with the whole idea. Brad doesn’t know Jared, doesn’t know the situation between >Jensen and Jared well enough, so he would be objective and likely to give Jensen honest advice without coddling him. Or he could simply be someone Jensen can talk to when he needs to get things off his chest, someone Jensen can go to with things he can’t talk to anyone else about.
Jensen is seriously considering this, he must admit, but that doesn’t mean he will talk to Brad. Only time will tell for positive, but the fact that he is at least considering the option is an improvement. He feels strangely comfortable with the man though, for not knowing him very long, and thinks he just may be able to talk to the man if he should ever feel the need to, when keeping it inside is something he simply cannot do much longer.
“So, you got any plans for when you get out of here?” Brad asks, changing the subject when he sees that Jensen needs it, and Jensen couldn’t be more grateful.
“To be honest, not really. I know I need to look for a place to live, and finding work would be a good idea, but I… things have changed so much, you know?” Jensen turns to face Brad, unsure how to explain all that is going on in his head. “Everything I had to count on is gone and I have to start over. And the crazy thing is, I’m not sure I want to get right back into acting. Don’t get me wrong, I love acting, but… it’s all I’ve ever known and I’m kinda curious to see if there’s anything else I’m good at.”
Jensen doesn’t speak again for a moment, a thoughtful look on his face, and Brad waits patiently for him to continue, giving him time to gather his thoughts. “I dunno, I guess I don’t really know what I’m talking about.” Jensen says with a wry grin, almost bitter. “Acting is what I’m good at, the career I‘ve been trained for all my life, and I know I’d disappoint a lot of people if I gave it up, even just for a little while. Besides, I’m too old to do the whole soul searching thing.”
Brad frowns as he listens to Jensen, sympathy for a man that puts everyone else’s wants and opinions before his own, puts everyone’s happiness before his own. Jensen doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, even though finding something else he could love as much as acting is something he obviously wants to do.
“I don’t mean to offend you by saying this, and you can tell me to mind my own business if I’m out of line, but you should do what you want Jensen and not worry about what everyone else thinks.” Brad tells him gently, hoping and praying he doesn’t anger the green eyed man. “If exploring your options is what you really want to do, then I think you should. And if acting is what makes you happy, then you should do that. Either way, this is your life and you’re the one that has to live with your decision, you should do what you want rather than what is expected of you. Now, I’m not saying you should give up acting, ‘cause I’ve seen some of your work and I think you’re amazing, but if acting isn’t making you happy then… well, you should find what does.”
Jensen is silent as he considers this, unable to deny that Brad has a point. He has been doing what everyone has wanted him to do for so long that he almost doesn’t remember how to just do what feels right anymore. He got into modeling because it was what his parents wanted for him, and while he has enjoyed acting, he only got into the business because his dad pushed him once he saw how much potential and talent he had. To have one of his sons following in his footsteps made his dad so proud that Jensen didn’t want to disappoint him by saying it wasn’t his first career choice.
Everything Jensen has done in his life up to this point has been because someone else wanted him to and he is just now starting to realize how badly he wants to take back control of his life and do something he wants to for once. The idea kind of scares him though, since he is not used to doing things for himself, so he figures making any life changing decisions wouldn’t be the greatest idea right now. Something like this warrants a lot of thought and time, and he just isn’t in the right frame of mind to make any serious decisions.
“Look, I know this is kind of a strange question but I was wondering,” Jensen evades responding and changes the subject, turning curious eyes on his companion. “We’re still gonna be friends when I get released, right?”
Brad doesn’t comment on the fact that Jensen ignored what he just said and that is one thing Jensen likes about the man, he doesn’t push and prod. “Of course we’ll still be friends,” Brad laughs as though it is just a crazy thought. “As long as you want to be.”
“Okay, good,” Jensen smiles, relieved. “’Cause I do.”
“Alright then, glad we got that straightened out.”
Jensen just nods his head in response as they continue sitting there in silence and Jensen allows himself to enjoy his remaining time out in the sunshine. He carefully keeps his mind away from all thoughts of Jared and focuses on the reassuring and comforting presence sitting beside him on the bench.
tbc…
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