Oh my god, I am so so so tired, I feel like I am about to pass out... And I don’t understand why. I have slept my usual 5-6 hours so I shouldn’t be more tired than usual. I can hardly keep my eyes open and am in such a grumpy mood… and that on a day when the office is stuffed with people because there is some kind of meeting going on and I have to be all smily and nice and such… when all I want to do is SLEEP. And of course, by tonight, when I get home and actually have the chance to sleep, I will be all waky again, reading till 2am to make my eyes tired. Stupid!

Yesterday I met with Ayaka in Shinjuku and we went to a nice place and ate udonsuki-nabe, a good and healthy japanese winterdish. She is such a lovely girl and so interested in all kinds of stuff, so talking to her is really fun! She is graduating next spring and I asked her if she has to write a dissertation then and she said “No, but I want to write one anyways.” Erai! – as the japanese would say. It`s just a short one,shorter even that most papers that I have to write for classes now and nothing compared to the 60+ page paper I will have to come up with next year (whua!), but still… So we talked about that for a while and when I told her that I was interested in the japanese suicide problem and am thinking about writing about that, she was highly interested and also surprised to hear that the suicide rate of Japan is one of the highest worldwide. I said that I think japanese society might have a different understanding of the matter and told her about a conversation I had had with two other friends (Sanae and Mimi) in Kyoto recently. They said that the big amount of people who are killing themselves by jumping in front of a train is really “mendokusai” (meaning: annoying) and they feel sorry for those who have to operate trains and be confronted with this. Personally, I never experienced something like this to happen (thank god!) but they claimed that it is the number one reason for trains to be late and that it happens so often on the tokyo subway lines, that it is not even reported in the news anymore. Ayaka was nodding to that and told me that her boyfriend (who is working for the JR) is operating trains between Osaka-Tokyo and already had the pleasure to clean up a suicide mess – and he only has been working there since last April.

What strikes me most is the way the girls were talking about it. Maybe it is just the japanese way of talking about unpleasent matters, but the calm and emotionless acceptance they all showed was kind of weird. Saying people killing themselves is “annoying” and “a burden on others” feels kind of weird (though sort of understandable, the way people keep jumping of high buildings and trainplatforms as they do here… plus always inventing new methods of dying [the newest trend after the barbeque grill phase seems to be: sulfur dioxide, the stuff that smells like bad eggs]).

Also, I have never heard a japanese person say anything like “Why on earth did he/she do that?” but rather saying things like: “Oh well, he lost his job.” or “She was mobbed at school.” with that “no wonder”-undertone that probably would be hard to find elsewhere. Of course, I have only spoken to a handful of japanese people about the matter, but all of them were like that, young and old. Talking like that also creates a distance to this problem and doesn’t get you involved too much, so that might be another aspect of why they do not get all whiny and sorry about the suicides.

After dinner and a matcha latte at Starbucks, we went to take Purikura (of course) and then said goodbye. When I got home, I felt weirdly down and lonely so I went out, doing one the things that always cheer me up – running! Even though it was almost midnight… I ran more than 50 minutes and felt great afterwards. Great enough to read till 2.30am and thus now be a worn out tired wrack, sitting at office and hating it here. And it`s not even like I had nothing to do. I have three (rather small) translation assignments to finish so I have no reason to be bored and writing blog entries. Plus the new intern, who will pick up this job after I am gone will show up in about 30 minutes and I have to show him stuff and explain everything he needs to know. Gnah, I am sooo glad when today is over and I can head to Shinjuku once again for some last minute shopping and getting my Narita Express ticket for Saturday (yay!).

I am slowly realizing: I really do like Japan, even the huzzle of Tokyo. And there is a lot of things, that I will miss back home.

But I hate these long office hours. It really feels like life is on hold for 9 hours every day. And then you get out, breathe in fresh air, ready to “start the day”, realizing it is almost over already.

2 more days.