This is the Latin over the door in the Oracle's kitchen in The Matrix. "thine own-self you must know", or more simply "know thyself". In many ways this is the path of the Buddhist - a simple instruction, taking many lifetimes to comprehend, and many lifetimes thereafter to cultivate an understanding of how the mind constantly obscures our view of reality "as it is" with storylines, excuses, and neuroses built over many lifetimes to support our dualistic notion of self.

A common misconception about Buddhism, and meditation in general, is that the goal is to somehow "transcend" reality. That through meditiation one cultivates a peaceful state of mind, so that the rigors of daily life cannot shake our peace and calm, achieving some kind of equilibrium that allows us to placidly withstand the assault of the human condition. Taking such an approach to meditiation is to actually turn one's back on the basic tenets of Buddhism, because what we are cultivating is not insulation from reality, not an ability to ignore the pain, suffering, happiness and joy around us - quite the opposite. The practices in which we engage are there to "wake us up", to set aside our habitual patterns of behavior that do harm to ourselves and others, to help us become more present and aware in everyday life. It isn't about insulating oneself; it is about opening oneself up further and further, allowing oneself to feel the joy and the pain that others are experiencing, that we are experiencing, without putting a filter of concepts and ideas about what is going on in everyone's head (including our own).

It's bloody hard, really. Perhaps one of the hardest things about being a practitioner is that at a certain point you lose the ability to totally delude yourself about what you are doing. The execuses, the denial, the neuroses that leave us immobile... they don't go away. What does go away is the ability to claim plausible deniability - at a certain point you become aware of your own thought patterns, your own habitual behaviors, and you know that you have a choice to make - that which is beneficial, and that which is not. Usually that which is not involves falling into one's addicitions, or destructive patterns of behavior, where we seek to escape into an activity that we swear will bring us happiness this time, even though it hasn't truly worked to date. Being a practioner doesn't mean that you don't induldge in this behavior... that's part of the many lifetimes bit... it just eventually means that you are painfully aware of the fact that you are engaging that kind of behavior, and that you could have chosen not to induldge - this time.

So, why do I bring this up? Because today was a classic illustration of how my mind works. It is not an unusual mind in many ways, as it does work much like everyone else's - dualistic, conceptual in nature, constantly making judgemnents of the nature of "for me, against me". My vice, if you will, is procrastination - it is how my strongest desires to avoid situations that are potentially painful, potentially disagreeable or unpleasant, are manifest. I avoid telephone conversations, because I loathe the phone. If a telephone conversation has the potential for unpleasantness or discomfort, I am doubly loathe to pick up the phone or even send an e-mail on the subject. If I ignore it, it will go away.

Bullshit

What brought this into stark relief today was an e-mail from lohquesse, because she and moliarity were in a bit of bind. I'll leave the specifics out, but suffice it to say it was not an unreasonable request. However, two elements were involved that hit my buttons hard. First, it would involve a telephone call whose outcome I could not predict at all, to see if I could acquire the necessary resources. Second, it would involve NOT working on the house today, instead driving out to Baltimore to lend assistance. I felt so much internal resistance to both of these tasks, that I was quite embarassed with myself... I felt rather the selfish prick, truth be told. In the grand scheme of things the favor being asked was not a huge one, and the benefit to lohquesse and moliarity would be substantial. And yet I had to lean on myself pretty hard to make the phone call (which was nowhere as unpleasant as I had convinced myself it would be), and then to drive out to Baltimore. Because I knew it was the right thing to do, and all I was doing was trying to avoid discomfort for myself.

This illustrates how difficult we make our lives, to avoid that which is unpleasant or perceived to be a pain in the neck, when simply doing what needs to be done takes less time and less stress. Hopefully something from today's lesson will stick.