CHAPTER TEN-Paint the Silence

As soon as he had walked out of my bedroom door, I knew that I’d done the right thing for both of us. I knew that I’d made sure that I’d never be hurt by him, ever. I mean, I’d only hurt myself. That I could handle. I’d been hurt by others before, and I couldn’t deal with that anymore. If it was just me-well, I could live with hurting myself…

He’d thank me for this later, he really would. He’d find some pretty slut like Tracey Baxter, with blonde hair and huge tits, who would know how to please him (in more ways than one). He didn’t want me, he just thought he did.

These were the thoughts that consoled me as I listened to Our Lady Peace on repeat, finally understanding what he saw in them…

And still not understanding what he saw in me. I mean, who hangs around a bitch like me, hoping for three fucking years that she might like him back? He had to be deranged, or…I couldn’t think about the other possibility. I couldn’t, because that might mean that I’d been wrong.

And I couldn’t allow myself to believe that I was.

That led to too many complications, complications that I frankly didn’t want to deal with.

I’d avoided answering the phone on Sunday, knowing that Lo had heard from Jake that something had happened to me on Saturday night. Something that had caused me to not leave my bedroom the next day; something that had caused me to shut everyone else out completely…

And I couldn’t tell her, because I knew she wouldn’t understand.

The day dragged by slowly as I lay tangled in my sheets, my new headphones over my ears, my hair a ratty mess, and the outfit I’d worn Saturday night still on my body. I hadn’t even moved to change clothes-God, I was pathetic. The voice of Raine Maida filled my ears as I stared out at the cloudy gray sky, a gray that reminded me of his eyes when he was upset…

Was there any way to get him out of my head?

Sunday night’s rest was troubled once again, and I knew that when I woke up on Monday morning I had to look like I had come from the fucking crypt. There was a part of me that was seriously considering skipping school, just to avoid the whole mess and the look that I knew would be in his eyes.

But I couldn’t let him know that I was having second thoughts about what I’d said.

I climbed out of bed that morning and finally peeled the blue sweater off of my body, throwing it as hard as I could into the corner. There was no way in hell that I was ever wearing that sweater again, not if it brought this kind of shit down on me.

I dug through the hill of clothes on my bedroom floor and found the black sweater I’d been wearing on Saturday morning and a clean pair of jeans. I dragged my feet as I entered the bathroom, fumbling with my hairbrush and pulling it through my hair, wincing when I hit tangle after tangle. A quick brush of the teeth and I headed out the door, my messenger bag over my shoulder.

I had barely hit the bottom of the stairs when I heard my mother’s voice calling from the kitchen. “Good morning, Van! We missed seeing you yesterday.” I heard the worry in her voice, and the last thing I wanted was her pity.

“Does it look like I care?” I snapped before turning and heading out the front door.

“Van, don’t you want me to take you to school?” I heard Jake call behind me. The damn traitor, telling everyone that something was wrong with me.

“I’ll walk,” I said shortly before stepping out the front door and slamming it behind me.

This day was going to fucking blow.

==========

I walked through the doors of Blue Springs South thirty five minutes, shivering uncontrollably. The gray storm clouds that had been menacing yesterday had turned into freezing rain today, and in my fit this morning, I’d forgotten to grab my jacket.

I pushed my dripping wet hair out of my face and made my way down the hall, avoiding making eye contact and praying that I wouldn’t run into David like I had on Friday. I couldn’t take seeing him right now, I had to have time to replace the bricks he’d pulled out of my wall on Saturday night. He’d pushed and shoved, but I was not going to let the wall fall away.

I decided to forgo the trip to my locker and instead ducked my way into homeroom. I took my usual seat in the back corner, the shivers not quite out of my system. I checked my face in the shiny silver plating on the chalk rail and saw that my eyeliner was running down my face yet again. I groaned and rubbed it away with the wet sleeve of my sweater, shuddering at the cold sensation on my warm cheeks.

“What the fuck happened to you?” I turned. Lo was sitting next to me, looking horrified. I supposed I could figure why-my clothes were soaked, my hair was plastered to my head, and there was smudged makeup all over the place. I’m sure I looked like I had been sitting out in the rain, crying like I was on some damn soap opera or something.

“I walked to school,” I said, attempting to sound casual. Lo saw right through me.

“Well, no shit,” she replied, gesturing to my clothes. “What I’m trying to ask is what the fuck happened to you Saturday night that caused you to ignore all of my phone calls on Sunday, bitch?”

“Nothing,” I said, my voice stony. “Nothing happened.”

“Bullshit,” she said, sounding irritated. “You don’t just wander around acting like this, Van. Tell me what happened in your bedroom. One minute you were downstairs, and so was Cook, and then you were both in your room, and then he left—“ She paused. “Oh my God, he told you, didn’t he?”

“Told me what?” I said, not playing along.

“He told you that he’s had a crush on you for for-fucking-ever, didn’t he?”

I started, looking over at her. “You knew?”

“Van, anyone with eyes knows that David’s had a crush on you since we were freshman,” she said, acting as if she was stating the obvious. “I mean, everyone’s tried to get him to find some common sense, but apparently he hasn’t listened.”

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me?” I whispered harshly, ignoring the stares I was getting. Let them think whatever the fuck they wanted, I was past caring.

“I tried to tell you, Van, a hundred times,” she said. “I tried to hint, I tried to be fucking blunt, but you just didn’t want to hear it.” She paused before going on. “And judging by the way you’re both acting this morning, you still don’t want to hear it, even if you feel the same damn way.”

“I don’t,” I said, trying to control my voice. “I don’t like him. I don’t know what you guys are seeing, but I don’t like him like that. He’s David-he’s fucking annoying, always trying to make me look bad—“

“More like always trying to get your attention.” She shook her head at me. “You know perfectly well that he’s not as annoying as you’d like to paint him to be, Van. He’s only annoying because he understands you enough to not be intimidated by you like everyone else is.”

“God, would you just shut the fuck up, Lo?” I snapped. “I don’t need to hear this from you right now.”

“Fine,” she said, angry. “Shut me out too, Vannie, just like you do with everyone else. See if I give a damn next time you need me.”

Oh, shit. I’d alienated the only person who would listen to me, the only one who gave a shit whether I lived or died outside of my family. I buried my face in my hands and waited for the bell to ring, feeling like utter shit.

As soon as the bell went off behind me, I took off, keeping my eyes down in an effort to keep from crying. I couldn’t let anyone see me cry, I couldn’t let them see me hurt. That would make it too easy for them to pretend to care, and I didn’t want to deal with their pretenses.

Their charades.

I swore under my breath. Why did everything lead me back to him? Every thought, every second, every word that crossed my lips anymore reminded me of something he’d said or done. It was if David was Attila the Hun and he’d conquered my mind like it was fucking Mongolia.

I didn’t want to be conquered by anyone, least of all him.

I finally made my way to biology and I hesitated outside the door for a moment before walking in. I looked over at my desk and froze.

He was already there, his hands in his pockets as he sat and stared at nothing at all. I shook my gaze from him and took my seat, shaking with both cold and something that I wouldn’t name. I dug through my bag, pulling out my biology book to look over human anatomy, knowing that he wouldn’t speak to me first after everything that had happened.

And I was so not ready to speak to him.

The silence between us was deafening, a thick smog that blocked out all of the light that had once dominated our biology conversations. I’d never realized that I enjoyed hearing his voice in my ear every day as we talked about music and cell reproduction…I’d never realized it until he’d practically painted the room with his absolute vow of silence when it came to me.

We continued to sit there, my eyes looking at the page but not seeing a word that was actually written, and him staring at the chalkboard as if it held the answers to life. I would know-I was watching him the entire time, looking for him to betray some kind of emotion that would tell me that I’d done the right thing.

Five minutes of staring, and I wasn’t any closer to finding the answer I wanted.

The tardy bell rang and Mr. Willow came bustling into class, his mind in other places. He set his stuff down on the desk and I watched as he looked around the room. After a moment, I felt his eyes settle on my desk. I took a deep breath and ducked my head, not wanting to look him in the eye. He had to know that something had happened-he understood more than I often gave him credit for-but fortunately, he decided to ignore it.

He began the lecture, and I took that as an opportunity to try to forget the person sitting next to me. I took my notes, listened as best as I could, tried to forget that I’d clearly hurt us both so badly…

If only I could have succeeded.

And as I sat there, I only knew one thing for certain: my favorite class had suddenly turned into my personal version of hell.

And I only had myself to blame.