I really need to stop reading fanficrants. I get the weirdest crackfic bunnies. pearl_gemstone wrote:

Dear everyfandomthat'severdabbledwith Romeo & Juliet,

WHEREFORE =/= WHERE.

Which, of course, led to this. With all apologies to Shakin' Willie. Somehow, I imagine Tom Lenk playing Romeo here.

/>Romeo and Juliet: Missing scene

SCENE: Juliet's (rather dark) bedroom.


JULIET
Romeo, oh Romeo... um... where art thou, Romeo?

ROMEO
Methinks I'm nearing thee, but it is hard to tell;
With curtains drawn, and no light from the moon or stars
'Tis dark within these chamber walls, and - OW!

JULIET
Pr'thee, take care, my love, lest in this wretched dusk
Thou stumblest and dost bark thy shin upon my bed!

ROMEO
I thank thee, though too late, alas; by Eos, I ask
That thou turnest a lamp on, that I might gaze
Upon thy beauty and not bump my head against thy -

BOTH
OW!

JULIET
Oh, Romeo, thy brow is noble, yet so hard. I fear,
I am by headache stricken.

ROMEO
Say 'tain't so!
For I've begun disrobing and I've... I'll just... (stumbles) OW!
A plague on these my trousers! I have fallen.

JULIET
As have I for thee -

ROMEO
- and I can't get up.
I pray thee, give me light that I might extricate
Myself from this entanglement of garments!

JULIET
Hush, my lord, my love, make not such noise!

ROMEO
But soft! What light beyond the door approaches?

JULIET
It is my father! I fear we shall be busted.
Quick, hide thyself within my closet!

ROMEO
Though it be dark and I am battered, this I'll manage.
Ah, thy closet door is soft and yielding, just like -

JULIET
Yielding? Nay, it's made of oak, and - Romeo!
That is not the closet, but the -

ROMEO
AAAAAH! (distant thud) Ow.

JULIET
- curtains to my window. How dost thou?

ROMEO (off-stage)
That was a mighty fall; I fear I am hurt.
Ask for me to-morrow; now I need an apothecary.

JULIET
Goodnight, sweet prince!

ROMEO
Thou quotest me the wrong - oh, never mind. G'night.

(exeunt)