I just opened up an lj account inorder to vent things that I can't or find it hard to tell the people closest to. A few months ago I told my boyfriend that I had bullemia so that I couldn't lie anymore and that I had no choice but to stop. I put on a few kilos recently and beginning to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that it's affecting everything I do. Tonight I binged and purged for the first time in like 3 months... and I didn't feel guilty at all. I hate that. I hate purging but afterards I feel empty and I love that, I don't think I have a problem and I don't think its a "mental" disorder, I know exactly what I am doing and why... it's like a bad addiction. But I'd rather have this than a smoking addiction or.. anything. 

I'm not happy that I'm falling back into my routine of b&p but at the moment its taking me out of my cycle or erratic and perhaps irrational behaviour. I'm lazy. I deferred from uni for a year so I have nothing at the moment. I'm completely  unmotivated to do anything, I mean I have good intentions but I just cannot seem to follow through. It makes me sick. I hate it and I know my boyfriend hates it as well but hes not THAT different.


I could write so much but that enough for tonight. It feels weird... but good venting on here.