i am going to start keeping this in mind.  jenna tells me i am too nice.  i am too giving.  i am too caring.  because i am not an asshole and i don't make men chase me, they don't want me.  how fucking retarded is that?  how stupid and immature?  if you like or want something, just GO for it!  don't beat around the bush.  i don't, and i guess men don't like that.  i need to keep my emotions out of things, not get attached, and basically play the "mystery woman" just so these stupid fucking idiots can be their manly selves and chase after the poor, powerless woman that is me.

ha.  the day i let a man control me is the day that hell freezes over.  but honestly, some of this is not a bad idea.  by "playing it cool," that means i have control.  i set the standard, i set the pace, i get what i want when i want it.  i'm going to try to learn this because i am really tired of people treating me like crap all the time.

i have a lot of work to do with other things before i can really do this though.  i am such a mess from all my school stuff that i don't even know where to begin.  since i've been back here, i don't even really recognize myself.  i'm withdrawn, quiet, and hesitant.  i don't really talk to anyone anymore except my roommates, and even then it's just stupid bantering.  over the past few months my confidence has kind of been shot to shit and i really just keep to myself.  i'm so used to being shot down when i reach out to people so i kind of just... gave up.  i feel like i burning out.

i think hailee is going to be the one to help pull me out of my shell again though.  she and i have a lot in common and she doesn't want me to sit around and think about shit.  she doesn't let me.  as irritated as she makes me sometimes, i am really thankful that she's my friend.  she's really the only person i talk to here that can empathize with what i say.  i'm really glad i have her to talk to.  i'm going over to her place tomorrow with tori and erin... it's going to be a good night.

i know life is not nearly as terrible as i make it seem.  part of it is stress, another part are hormones, and yet another part is me making mountains out of molehills.  i know i'll be fine.  it's just that getting there is the hard part, and it's even harder when i feel like i am completely alone, even if i'm not.

i can't change the way other people act... but i can change the way i do.  and by doing that... i can be who i was before.  i can be someone people flock to.  i can be the brilliant, beautiful person i was before josh trashed me.

i just need some help getting there is all.