You know, when a person asks for divorce it's not always because they really want to end things.  Well, that's what happened with me.  I've been practically begging for a divorce for two months.  The reasons?  We have been fighting for almost a year solid, I couldn't DO anything, and I just felt trapped all the time.  I'm a very independent person who was being forced to be a submissive clingy person and I just couldn't handle it anymore.  My husband finally told me he was going to divorce me.  Right before telling me he already had a new girlfriend to replace me with.  It's been a week since he made this announcement and I am really upset.

     I have a girlfriend of my own.  We started dating not too long after the news about divorce broke.  I love her, I really do.  But, something is missing.  I am going to live with my husband until February due to financial situations but I don't know that my sanity or my heart can take it.  I still love him and it really hurts to hear how great things are with his new girlfriend and how they are going to last for a really long time.  They've already been talking about moving in together.  Hell, he even wants to get a good enough job so she won't have to work and she could stay home and take care of the house and kids.  

     I don't know how to really take all of this.  I mean, I'm happy because we're not fighting, but I'm really depressed because I know that I will never have what little comfort he gave me again.  I don't know that I can really be friends with him when all is said and done because, I'm scared that if I am, then I will never move on and my heart will stay perpetually broken for life.  I'm really hurt, but I can't tell him that I don't want a divorce now.  He's already moved on and I just need to try to get over it I suppose.  I just don't know how I am going to try to do that.  It's not as easy as it sounds.  My plan from childhood was to get married and have a great, loving family of my own.  Instead, I wound up with a family just like the one I came from as a child.  The one I was trying to stay away from.

     Staying together for the sake of the children will only make people resentful.  But, staying together for sanity's sake, that could be resentful too I'm sure.  I figured that I needed to try to express my feelings some how.  I don't want my soon to be ex-husband to know all this because I don't want to ruin his chances at happiness.  I just wish I could be just as happy but I doubt I will be.  If I break up with my girlfriend then I will probably be alone for a long time.  I almost feel like I deserve to be alone.  I'm kind of scared of getting close to anyone.  I don't want things to end like this.  My kids mean so much to me and I almost feel like I need to be alone so that I can give them more love and attention because I'm divorcing their dad.

     Things are so crazy right now that I just don't know how to really take things right now.  My husband keeps calling and talking to me and I feel like as if I just want to tell him that I don't want the divorce anymore and that I was stupid.  But, I think that it would only make things worse between us.  I want things to be as good as possible but I don't want to live with a broken heart forever.  Maybe that's why I don't really know what to do at this point or what to say.  I just want to be loved and I don't know how that's going to happen right now because my heart feels isolated.