Have you ever thought about how different those 2 things in the title of this blog are? I have. It has led to many painful home truths and has left me feeling even more empty. Despite the fact that James is my best friend as well as my husband-to-be, I still need to have the love and support of other friends too. Words are not enough. If you want to meet me for a drink, then instead of saying "Yes, we should do that sometime...", maybe being less vague would be better. How about saying "Are you free at this time on this day?". I am sorry, but if you are vague with me I tend to just hide away. The truth is, I have a bubble of unhappiness constantly looming over me. My illness means that sometimes I am easily distracted. So give me something a little more definite than "sometime" and that should be half of the problem sorted. Sometimes I do need to have a kick up the backside to draw my attention to something. I am sorry. I am trying my best. I realise that being friends with me can test the patience of many people. You are never quite sure how I am going to be feeling or how I will react to everything around me. I feel guilty lots of the time, but sometimes I just feel self-pity and need to be shown how others feel. Reading people's blogs are not really good enough. I want you to see me face to face so I can see the expression on your face and the tone of voice you are using. I am actually good at reading body language when I am with people.

I have mentioned my best friend Tappin a lot recently. I went around to her house to drop off her belated birthday present. If she caught up with her messages she would have known the present was coming. If it was not for me moving house I would have done it nearer the time. The important thing is that I left her a note (nobody was in to accept it) saying where I had put it and that she would definitely get it. Why do I feel so nervous? I think she will appreciate my present. It is just that because of the recent distance (due to her business. That girl never stops) I wondered if I was doing the right thing. How bad is that? I was questioning something which usually has an obvious answer. I do love Tappin dearly but I miss her like crazy and I sometimes want to drag her outside her house/place of work and shout "TALK TO ME!". I saw her mum down town today and she smiled at me briefly. She was probably the one who discovered the note. I just have to hope that Tappin accepts a kind gesture from the person who is STILL her best friend. Yes, despite the distance Tappin IS my best friend. James and Tappin- 2 of the most important people in my life and possibly the only 2 people who truely understand me (though Justine, who was and still is a best friend, knows me well too).

So... we had Matt around to see our house. Being Matt, he was very hyper. He also enjoyed spanking things with my black/red feather stick. Apparently various appliances now belong to Matt. This includes my left foot. So James has all of me to himself apart from one foot ^_^. He said that the television, various pokemon items, the lamps and my left foot are his bitches. He also rubbed up against a wall and actually snogged our fridge (!). The fridge thing was quite amusing. The door had been squeaking but it stopped after Matt had touched it. MATT IS THE NEW JESUS. Unless he was sneaking some oil in his mouth (eww...).

Me and James went to Oxford yesterday. After a lot of stress recently, it felt like total freedom. I spent loads of money on stuff that is not essential. I got lots of pokemon cards from the new set and got 2 level X cards. To non-pokemon fans this is really good as they are ultra rare. I also got some dunnys and got a chase figure which is great. I ate krispy kreme doughnuts (yummy!) grape high chu (double yummy!) and a macdonalds salad (surprisingly VERY yummy. I had grilled chicken). Me and James brought some kinky stuff in Ann Summers including a flavoured lube multipack. James liked my stockings too. He certainly held me a bit tighter after I made those purchases.

After yesterday's trip we did some sensible shopping today. My arms hurt from carrying so much. We are still not fully furnished but the living room floor is slowly becoming clear. Also I am not going to Moulsford for a roast dinner tomorrow like I usually do. My mum has a bad bug and she vomited a bit. I was really worried about her because she is alone in that house and struggled to get out of bed yesterday. She is a bit better now, but I am still hoping she is coping. She called me earlier so she is getting up and about a bit now. Thank goodness.