I realise I haven't posted here in quite some time... let's just say I've been focusing on university, work and my own inner-peace and 'gratification'.  I want to be free, be my own person, and only the past two weeks have provided such opportunities.

Some really heavy talks with my boyfriend have really opened my eyes. I've really been a fool - I shouldn't be trying to impress people so much, and making them happy; they should love me for me and if they don't then I should move on. I thank you darling for surprising me with your insight, support and true love. Our relationship has certainly been rocky and now I'm finally reaping the benefits of a thorough-enduring-tough-love relationship and I do hope we can begin to nurture one another more. I want to be a better person... not only for you... but importantly, for me.

I begin with tackling my body image issues. To be upfront, I do believe I must have a very distorted view of my self. I honestly do not know if I look skinny/fat, whether what I'm seeing in the mirror is how I really look, whether I need to lose weight...AHH! It just consumes me. Simply, I prefer when I look small but I do not want to create a monster out of this goal i.e not develop an ED. ~.~

After reading and researching and 'discovering myself' some more *lame, I know* I figure I shouldn't be focusing on the way I look, but rather how I can gradually make myself feel like the invincible kid I once was. Looking back to my childhood, I had the ability to do all sorts of things: I was strong, fit, full of energy and could endure very tough workouts. Most of all, I was happy! And now? I'm weak, pathetic, slow, lethargic and lack a lot of tone. This all comes down to lack of exercise, and in more recent times, eating terribly.

My body should be a temple, I should want to keep it in good health. It doesn't matter if I look good if I feel like pure and utter shit on the inside, right?

It is apparently obvious that I may have a little bit of an obsession with beauty/fashion *wink*, but I do feel that is a very on and off thing for me. At the moment I'm not so into reading about fashion and other things, material as such. I'm more interested in intellectual conversation, philosophies, reading for enjoyment, and broadening my mind - considering the lackluster year I've had. Yeah, sure, I still want to buy beautiful and horribly expensive things, but they can wait. I'm the road to being wholesome again!

Plan:
1. Eat better for general health and well-being. No more quick fixes and takeaway!
2. Go to the gym, even if it means going alone... take on some responsibility!
3. Figure out what works for me, and what doesn't
4. Plan and research what to do
5. Eating a piece of cake from time to time isn't going to destroy your hard work, just do it in moderation like you used to.

Next step to my 'wholesome' evolution is setting out what I'm doing with my life. Changing my uni degree will probably be a part of it.