It's the Semifinals! And did I mention they have decided to air the semi-finals all in one week? Yay for recapping meltdown! Tonight's performers are: Boogie Wonderland, poor unhappy Kate and Gin, crazy Star Wars incompetent, the Miss Saigon boy who jumped off the stage, the sexy young bellydancer, another crazy, Tracy Lee Collins, Phil Blackmore the dangerous juggler, and Signature, the Michael Jackson dancers. Who will suck terrible? Who will advance?

So there's this flashy new stage, screeching studio audience, bright lights and everything. It's almost like a real production now! Sometimes those audition shows had a "Saturday afternoon at 2 p.m. in 1987" air to it. Saturday is the final, says Dec, and we learn who wins! Paul Potts's crown will be wrenched from his meaty paws. The judges come out from the audience. Amanda Holden is wearing some sort of weird '60s shiny go-go dress. Dec asks how excited Amanda is, and she is. "Heartbeating, is it?" asks Piers. Piers says contestants are nervous backstage and one of them will be a celebrtity of epic proportions. Well, we will see. Simon says he plans on using the buzzers, and they will "come in very handy." Then the judges are forced to demonstrate how the buzzers work, as Ant moans about the "horrible noise." Okay, we get it.

First up is Boogie Wonderland, from Liverpool. Can you imagine Liverpool in the '70s? Frightful. We see a little clip reminding us of who they were. "We're just a gang of 22 normal people from a community dance troupe," says a woman, while Simon interviews that going first is tough. They love dancing, and if they weren't dancing, they would be stealing cars and robbing convenience stores. Piers says they grew up on the tough streets of Liverpool. Yeah, and they can't go back now that they've been seen on television disco dancing. They want to win, but let's be honsest, they won't. They were barely a blip on the audition cycle, didn't even register a full segment, and are up against cute kids and a depressed girl who I am surprised hasn't killed herself already. Boogie Wonderland won't make it through. They try to play up sympathy saying that there will be 22 broken hearts if they don't advance.

So they are dancing to "Car Wash" and the prop budget has been blown! There is a VW bug being driven onstage, and bubbles piped through the air. Then they do their routine, and I do believe they are miming wiping a car with a dirty old rag. Awesome. It's very Disneyland/foam night at the gay bar. It's like, just a bunch of sexy teens in shiny pants undulating their stomachs and doing a variation on a step-step-shuffle. What do you expect? Amanda nods her head, because the song has a funky beat! Oh, there is a larger dancer who is standing nearly offstage in the wings and looks exhausted. Let it be said that Boogie Wonderland is an equal opportunity performance group! Then they end with the requisite pointy pose. Not very interesting or flashy, and it didn't really go anywhere.

Ant and Dec attempt to interview the sweaty, heaving dancers. Piers says he and Simon remember disco music, because they are both older than Dame Lauren Bacall, and he thought it was terrific! I bet he loved the taut bodies best of all. Amanda says it had loads of energy, but not as good as the first audition, which if you recall we never really saw. Despite saying it had a lot of energy, Amanda concludes by saying it was "slightly underenergized." Simon says the audition was lame, but he feels this dance group is the best in the entire history of disco dancing and he wants to whip out and jizz all over them, he loves them so much! Simon gushes and gushes, calling it "a show" and wants to sign them up right now! The group smiles their Whitestripped teeth. Ant and Dec give out the phone numbers, which are absurdly long and hard to remember. Like it would take twenty minutes to write down the whole damn number.

Second act! It's Kate and Gin, who we remember as having an air of depression and sadness around her, and the tragic hopelessness that seemed to be her personal life was all wrapped up in this dog whom she loved more than she could loev any human. Her parents Tina & Nigel appear, and basically say Kate has no friends other than this dog who is her whole life. This whole thing is just too sad for me. I know they're going for a "Doctor Doolittle" thing, but really, a young teen girl with no interest in the outside world and spends all her time with a pet is just...not what I came here for. It's too hard to process. We see Kate and Gin essentially make out. The judges interview and gush about the talent of the dog. There was some drama in rehearsal, we learn, as the dog was scared of big lights. What will happen? Will the dog take a massive dump on live television?

So the first thing we see is that there has been some attempt to give Kate a makeover, and she now looks maybe 32. They go to "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" and the whole thing is again terribly bizarre. I don't know, I don't really like the animal acts. There's just something oogly-googly about people watching some human dance around with a dog on a stage to the Scissor Sisters that I find revolting. The act seems a bit manic this time, to be honest. It seems to go on for years and years, and you can tell Simon wants to run on stage and kidnap the dog and put him in a movie. There is a lot of trickery that goes over well, and obviously a lot of time was spent training the dog.

Kate tells Ant and Dec she enjoyed it, which I'm happy about. I really just want them to go away so I can forget they existed. Kate says it took "a very long time" to train and plan the routine. Piers says he doesn't agree with Simon that it is the most talented dog in Britain, and people boo because they STILL haven't caught on to how much the judges love fake-outs. Piers says it is the most talented dog in the world, and then compares the dog to Amanda. Awesome. "I will never roll over for you!" says Amanda to Piers, and I am fascinated by all this undercurrents of sexual nastiness going on. Like, for Boogie Wonderland Simon said Amanda was totally jealous of the dancers' fit bodies. What has gone on backstage? Anyway, Amanda liked that Kate smiled, while Simon says the dog is not real and is a machine or a midget in a dog suit. He loved it, loved it, loved it. He then says it's one of the most talented performers in the world! Yeah, I think little Gin could beat Dina Lohan in an IQ test. And if Gin teamed up with Koko the gorilla...imagine the possibilities! Koko would smash in the President's head, and they'd take up shop in the White House. Free bananas for everyone! I think the world would be a lot more peaceful under Madame Gorilla and Vice-President Pooch.

Oh Christ. That Star Wars dude, Michael Machell. He has obviously been brought back to add some amusement to the semi-finals, so it's not just all boring good acts, we get a good laugh in the middle. So Michael talks about theme for Star Wars not being "spacey enough," and dude, he got a total combover and dyed his hair. It's especially amusing because they just show his audition, and him now, and it's like, Yes Mr. Middle Management, here's your promotion! Simon hates him with the passion of a thousand suns, and the other judges interview with such terms that he is "interesting" and will "divide the nation," which means he's crazy, will probably be terrible, and will make it easier for a good act to get it. Michael interviews in creepy dulcet tones about how he will become "world famous" and that "the Empire Strikes Back with vengeance."

So what happens is the stage is covered in dry ice and then a spaceship thing is lowered from the ceiling and Michael is on it playing the keyboard! Wonderful. Flashy special effects, that'll win over the young teens! The sexy dyed hair. That'll get the ladies vote. The Star Wars theme - that'll win over geeks and nostalgic adults. He's got his bases covered! What could go wrong? And he has the "How to Play Keyboards" book which is awesome. Simon buzzes him after two seconds. And yes he's doing the same song and everything. I'm trying to figure out what's so weird about - it sounds like he speeded up the song but left the backing music too slow. And yes, I am overanalyzing a complete wackjob who probably lives in a box and talks to trees. He could probably adopt Kate and Gin and the three could live in a house together somewhere, I think. And Tracy Lee Collins could be their crazy gay neighbour. The audience boos and shrieks, while the judges keep watching, becuase I guess there's something to be said for straight-up bizarre.

Then it's over. 1/10, a one for the flashy spaceship. "It was fine," he tells Ant and Dec. He's like the most boring person ever. He tells them he has vertigo. Ant and Dec are trying to goad Michael into calling Simon a dickbag or something. Michael says Simon has a "phobia" of keyboards, and he plays them because pianos are too heavy to move around. Feisty! Piers says Michael "reached new heights," and that he is dedicated and has worked hard to improve. "I say, why not?" says Piers, saying he "feels the force." Amanda calls it "slightly off-key," and the timing was off, which, yeah. She sounds a bit sick of all the bullshit of stringing the crazy along for so long. Simon says he was even worse than last time. The audience is a mixture of cheers and boos. "From the undersized spaceship to this ghastly rendition of whatever it was that was supposed to be," Simon thought it was "totally and utterly montrous." Ant and Dec slobber, trying to get Michael to throw some crazy at Simon. Like, they want Michael to go off so bad, it's not even funny. Michael declares he has "a diploma in music," and then he spits Simon's knowledge of music is "the size of a postage stamp." Oooh. Them's fighting words from an insane creepy dude with new hair that by the way looks suspiciously like a helmet. And this dude is getting more time than any other act, really. It's just stupid and kind of rude to bring this guy forward hoping to get some good TV out of his nuttiness, and make him think he is good and that is why he is being brought forward when really it's because he's a crazy kook. Simon rolls his eyes, as do I, while Piers claps.

Next up is the Miss Saigon Broadway boy, Dean Wilson. Damn, he looks a bit crazed in his audition video. It was the best day of his life when he made it, he says. We see him as a bartender, and isn't he underage, 17 or something, maybe? We remember his gimmick was that everyone he knows does manly stuff like football and bending steel with their bare hands, and they think Dean is a sissy for doing Cats. Yeah, well, Andrew Lloyd Webber gets plenty of chicks, man. Simon hopes Dean picks a popular song, because we remember he thought last time Dean chose a bad song. Dean gets a bit of desperation, going on about his "hunger and passion," and how much he "needs it." Yeah, well, we need to see you shirtless and that's about it, dude. Sorry. The camera stops on a particularly unflattering shot of him that does him no justice.

So he's singing "Somewhere" while looking like a cast member of Grease. I don't know about his voice. I don't know if he projects well enough, or if his voice isn't strong enough? I don't know. He basically just wanders around onstage. It's very dull. Dec asks him some dumb question, and Dean goes, "Sorry, what?" Best part of his performance, not listening to these two ninnies. Dean says he is nervous but likes the audience applause. Piers says it was great and terrific. "That was a winning performance, I think," says Piers, and I don't think. It was too dull and nothing happened and I think the song was too overdone. Amanda also gushes and loved it. She says he should do acting maybe as well. Simon says he loved the song but not the performance. He thought the vocals were delivered, the routine was robotic. Amanda is like, "Hell to the no!" She yells and screeches like a banshee that Dean did it from the heart and Simon has no heart, or something. "I was let down," says Simon, while Amanda goes "It's RUBBBBISH!" She's about to throttle him, she's so upset. Dean tries to get out of Simon what he didn't like, but Ant and Dec basically shuffle him off stage becaus his time is up.

Time for Sophie Mei, who was the bellydancer. Dec talks about her boobs a bit, before we see her taped piece. We remember the judges were horned up. Sophie says she is scared as this is a big leap in her career, while Simon moons that she is "cute and sexy." Tonight is her biggest routine she has ever done. Her dad Steve says Sophie used to be nervous, while Piers can see her at the Royal Variety. In the audience or on stage? He never says.

She comes out wrapped in a silver sheet carried by four muscle hunks. Get that gay vote, sister! Then the guys stand there looking hunky while she just basically shimmies and makes dorky faces like, "Can you believe this shit?" Simon goes bug-eyed, which is amusing. This is the perfect antidote to that Star Wars guy for him! She dances to Shakira, which is appropriate. It's a bit one-note, I'd say. Ant and Dec talk about their big boners. Piers also talks about how hot it made him, and then calls the act "exceptionally charming." In his pants! Amanda says Sophie is "sex on legs," and calls it a knockout. Simon says she made Ant and Dec horny, which we get, and then says Sophie has star quality and then mentions how hot she is. Can everyone please stop talking about how much they want to bone her? This is embarassing.

The next act is, unfortunately, Tracy Lee Collins, who I have to say looks like a drag queen whose wig has been snatched off. Or the creepy toucher who sits outside children's playgrounds and has a lot of candy bars in his house. Seriously. Creepiest. Contestant. Ever. We are reminded he was dreadful, but he was brought forward because he may possibly throw a diva hissyfit or something, and that would mean good ratings, I guess. Simon hated Tracy and thought he should be a female impersonator. "Watch out baby, here I come," purrs Tracy, as we see a full-body shot of him walking slo-mo, his boobs jiggling and his pale skin being as white as paper. Then we pan down and see he has stuffed his cankles in heels. Yes, he apparently took Simon's advice to embrace the stereotype within. We see Tracy do some pantomine movements in a garden and a kitchen, then Piers says Tracy "personifies the show." Yes, as a sideshow spectacle in which even the gross, obese and monstrously deluded can find their moment in the sun.

Let's get this over with, shall we? So to the opening strains of "Hey Big Spender," he comes out in this ill-fitting over-the-top dress you might wear as a Halloween costume, or like an intentionally ironic drag queen would wear, and a giant bouffant wig and he looks like a John Waters wet dream. He also looks like a crazy Joan Collins going on an Incredible Hulk-like rampage. "The minute you walked in the joint" - BUZZ! goes Simon's buzzer. That is awesome timing. So this isn't about the singing, because it's bad, it's all about the spectacle. And he doesn't even make a good drag queen. It's just this guy wearing a dress singing badly and not really doing anything. It's not even camp or over-the-top enough to be funny. He seems totally out of breath and attempts some silly choreography with male back-up dancers. Then it is thankfully over, with only Simon to have pressed his buzzer.

Ant and Dec gush over the frilly frock, while Tracy goes "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!" "You look a hundred dollars tonight," says Dec. To the judges now. Piers loved it, calling it brilliant, because there is nothing he loves more than a pitiful drag queen. Piers is, most likely, trying to get Simon's knickers in a twist by praising Tracy as being an unpolished diamond and whatever. Feeding the crazies, right? Amanda calls it "terrific fun," and also loved it. Simon says his advice for Tracy to wear a dress was proper advice, but he can't see Tracy performing for Prince Charles. "They've got one queen at home, let them meet another," says Tracy, and he is really is pretty catty and amusing in his dealings with the judges, and perhaps he should have gone with some stand-up comedy or something. Tracy holds up very sausage-looking fingers to the camera as Ant and Dec present his numbers. Those are some stubbies!

Next up is dangerous juggler Phil Blackmore. He made Simon pee his pants during his audition, we recall. We see Phil performing on the streets as he says he has been doing this for ten years and winning would be the pinnacle of his career. Phil says he is doig the most dangerous thing ever, and he has not done it onstage before. The judges talk in grave tones and make us think Phil will cut his own head off onstage then toss it around like a beach ball. No telling what this crazy might do! "I don't plan on dying, but you never know what's going to happen," he announces.

So as this song that goes "I'm a firestarter" plays, Phil swallows some fire. So far, so good. Then he lights a grill, which Piers buzzes him for. Come on, Piers, grilling up a nice hamburger is a talent that is rare and should be nurtured when found! Amanda buzzes Phil next, as Phil attempts to balance the grill on his chin while juggling some fire sticks. Then it's over quickly and Simon buzzes him out. The audience boos. Phil tells Ant and Dec he is happy he did not kill himself on stage. Always a positive, not to set yourself on fire. Piers says it would have been more entertaining if he had burned himself. We need blood! Piers says there was not a high-risk involved in the stunt, and he found it boring. Amanda says it took a long time to get started, and he was just "bouncing." She prefers chainsaws. Simon expected something more, "like severe risk of injury- chainsaw, shark tank or something, and instead you put a barbecue tank on your head." Simon declares people do that on weekends anyway. Phil says he thought it looked good. Simon says maybe he should have been balancing on something.

Last up is Signature, who did the Bollywood/Michael Jackson routine. The lumpy one says they are "ordinary guys with extraordinary dreams." Jesus, what movie poster did he rip that tagline off of? We see silly shots of them dancing at their daily jobs, as they say they want to give up their careers for the high-profile world of doing copycat Michael Jackson dance routines all the livelong day. Simon worries they were a one-hit wonder. They want to win, though!

Onstage, the thin one comes out dressed in the Thriller outfit and dancing to that song, doing a lot of crotch-grabbing. Family show, this is a family show! Then the big one comes out of a coffin and lip-synchs to the Vincent Price part of the song, as people come on doing the zombie thing. I don't even know how to judge them, really. It's a good mimic of the music video routine, but that's all it is. There's nothing really original. It's just they put Michael Jackson's dance moves in a blender and throw them all out at us one after the other. There is one part that's a bit like a dance-off that is interesting, but they quickly go back to that zombie hand move thing. The audience loves it, as they do, because it's familiar and high-energy. It is probably the most enjoyable act of the night to actually sit and watch, because they are talented and a lot is happening. But does it deserve to be the winner of this series? I'm not sure.

To Ant and Dec, the thin one calls it a tribute to Michael Jackson's reissue of his Thriller album. Piers says they sum up the show, which he also said to Crazy Miss Tracy Lee as well. He says they "nailed it." Amanda also gushes. She says they have done it a second time, which she was worried they wouldn't be able to do. Simon says they did it better the second time. He says they have "originality," which makes me go "Hork it, what?????" Because, it is just the routine from the music video regurgitated. "Sham on," says the big one.

Now to the results portion! Which apparently air directly after the performance portion because the voting time is only about ten minutes. Anyway, now it's some filler until we learn who made it. First up is a video piece of the finalists saying how much they want to win. They all want it. There. Are you happy? Seriously, they all say the same thing. Worked hard, would be great to make it, a lifelong dream come true, and so on. Crazy Star Wars Psycho says "May the force be with...me." I'm upset now that he didn't wear Princess Leia's slave bikini because you know he has one somewhere in his closet. Broadway Dean gets desperate, which is kind of his thing, you know, saying he "needs this," and cries. Sophie Mei is going the "I want to inspire others" route. Dame Tracy thinks it would be "the pinnacle of his life," while Phil promises he has better things coming. Signature also want to win. I kind of want to hear one of them go, "You know what, maybe I don't want to win. So there. I QUIT, BITCHES!"

Judges interview time! Piers soundbites the show was fantastic, unpredictable and who knows who will make it. Amanda is under the opinion that Tracy was great, and says she loves drag acts. "Well, good," says Ant. Simon thinks one act they know won't make it, but who knows about the others. He also compliments the producers.

So now the eight semifinalists come out on stage. And seriously, wouldn't you kind of loved to see and hear what went on in the holding room backstage? To see Katie and Gin talk to the Star Wars guy, or Sophie hobnobbing with Signature, or Dean getting pawed by Tracy. That was a missed opportunity. Gin gives the Star Wars dude a big sniff, which is pretty funny. "Smells like...crazy! And soiled underpants."

Ant explains two acts make it through tonight. The first act is whoever got the most votes from the audience calling in. That act is...Signature! Not a surprise. Next, the judges will decide. They decide between the two acts who received the next most votes. They are...pitiful Kate and Gin, and SingSongDean! The losers have an inglorious shuffle off. Tracy's like, "Harumph!" So now the judges decide between these two acts. They each get one vote, and whoever gets the most gets through. Piers dilly-dallies for quite some time, and chooses Dean to a chorus of loud boos. Um, way to be respectful, audience. Simon chooses Kate and Gin, because he loves animals. Dean's like, "Damn, if I had just worn that cat costume and sang 'Memory.'" So Amanda decides who makes it through. She fans herself and is like, "Me, make a decision? Impossible!" She picks Kate and Gin, to Simon's uproarious applause. Kate has a Sally Field moment onstage, while Poor Dean gets Dec in his face, going "So near, so far. How do you feel?" No, that really happened. Dean shrugs. I feel a bit sad for him. He always seemed like a Craig Harper type - this was his life, and being cut means his life is over. But anyway, forget about the losers - Signature, and Kate and Gin have made it! And now they will be forced to kiss each other. Sadly that didn't happen, but wouldn't it have been awesome if it did?