This past year has been crazy. It started with my dad breaking his leg, then my grandma breaking her hip and needing rehab (took about 8 weeks until she was home), that whole experience was hard. We really learned how self centered my uncles side of the family are. THey hardly came to visit.. I think the two daughters came once.. and that was to pick up my uncle to go get dinner. My grandma really needed people there, she was not in her right mind and was a danger to herself. There were many nights we were not sure she'd make it, and they knew that and just didn't care. They didn't help our family at all and we all suffered for it. No regrets at all, she needed us and that's what family is for.. but you get my gist.. I didn't know that they were that bad. I always had the impression that if I needed them they'd be there for me,... guess not.
after my grandma came home my mother had emergency surgery and was hospitalized for about a week, and had the revision of the first surgery 7 weeks later. was able to return back to work 3 months later.  (and it should be noted that my uncles side of the family never asked or called about my mother... and yes, they did know)
then school started and it is KICKING MY ASS.. I mean, as of right now, I have a C.. which means I do not get into pharmacy school meaning I need to wait one more year... AGAIN. I study so much and try so hard in that class.
my first thoughts on this is I'm really bummed. I"m so ready to be on my own. but at the same time, looking back on this last year, maybe its a good thing i didn't leave.. it's all meant to be I guess... I've decided that if I don't get in this year, that i will choose which school to go to and do their undergraduate studies. regardless.. i'm out in fall... fo sho.. scarrryyyyyyy

Then there is this whole Daniel thing. For those who don't know, our friend Daniel Powell passed away last month. He was 28. Had a heart attack while at work. Never drank alcohol.. EVER (was allergic to something in the brewing process), he did drugs like 3 or 4 times in his life, was in really good shape... It doesn't make sense..
His death hit me really hard. It still does but I'm dealing with it better now. I regret so much with our friendship. I was an ass to him a lot of the time because he gave me a weird vibe. After talking with our friend Scott he told me a bit about Daniel's past and why he had such a hard time with his people skills. I never felt in danger with him, it was just a petty thing that I did. Don't get me wrong, I was not outwardly an ass to him, I was cordial, civil and never was rude to him. I also didn't really include him in much. I didn't say anything when he joined us all but in my head was thinking "damn it". Only after I talked with Scott did I start really connecting with Daniel. I felt a little guilty after hearing everything Daniel had already overcome and wanted to start fresh. Unfortunately, our talk was only about a week or two before his death. I started to get to know him better and hang out. We never got to the point where we were the best of friends but he was solidly  part of the group and I was glad for it.
We all got to hang out that wednesday before his death. It was great. We all goofed around, they played pool a bit and came in and out bugging the rest of the group. It was a lot of fun. I'm so thankful for that one last night. I wish I would have had the guts to apologize to him for my behavior over the past couple weeks. I hate knowing that he died not knowing that I am sorry, and that I valued his friendship.
The thing is, I have never in my life been like that to someone without just cause... ever... Someone always does SOMETHING to set me off.. even if it is small... but for some reason I made an exception with Daniel. I hate being that person... and it's too late to take it back. He will never know and i"ll never have that resolution (which I don't honestly deserve).
It's hard to explain my emotions with the whole situation. I'm so ashamed of what I did and what I didn't do. It's embarrasing to talk about to someone who doesn't already know the whole situation.. and i"m afraid to tell people that dont know because i know I will be judged.. but that's what I did so I deserve it I guess...
Then my thoughts branch.... and I realize in many aspects other than my schooling, I"m ashamed of who I've become. I've always been a shy person.. and always will be but I never thought I'd allow it to run my life. I have not taken a real risk since junior year in highschool and that was a baby step.... if that.    I feel so stagnant.. and i can't do a damn thing about it right now because I have no reliable car and absolutely no money. I rely wholly on my parents and cant' get a job or risk failing Ochem. cuz i'm barely hanging on as it is.
I guess in the end.. Daniel's life and death has taught me more about life, and myself than anyone or anything I have ever known. I don't really know where to go from here. I appreciate things so much more now, and I don't take anyone for granted anymore. Life is so short. I keep thinking, if that had happened to me, what have I accomplished? some A's? A couple scholarships..... grades do not make a person.. actions do, and right now I have a lot of ground to cover and a lot to make up for.

I swear this is not intended to be a pity party. I actually really dont' want to post this but feel it happened, it's how i feel and that cannot be changed. I also know i most likely will not be able to talk about this to people in a real conversation. It's just too painful still. Maybe someday i'll look back on this and be able to say that i have changed from this experience. I hope I can. I am going to try. I am determined to learn to be brave , and to trust again.
I don't think I"ll ever get rid of the shame i feel for my actions, and I"ll never be over the guilt. i just hope it will guide me in the right direction and remind me of what's important in life.

so, thats how i've been feeling, there is more but its just too jumbled around.. this entry is confusing enough as it is. and yes, this is how mixed up it is in my head. one things starts it all and my thoughts go out of control.. it's not fun