Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the uncollaring.

i have spent a year without being tied to Him.
i held on to that fucking bracelet / collar with my right hand on my left wrist for dear life when my dad called to say he was selling the house.

i held on to that damned thing like i would drown when i was devastated at my sons diagnosis and couldn't call Sir at work.

i held on to that life line any time i was so needy and wasted and Master was not able to be here in person- THAT was his in person.

 
That was the room we last played in. Where i had it taken off of me, with blood, and tears, and destruction. It was on my left wrist for so long that even now, if i am outside, and my arm is out the window or something, i will suddenly flash on checking to make sure i haven't lost it.

Last year's ceremony was HUGE. More closure than i could have dreamed of- or expected.
i am still carrying around that broken world marble.

Kevin called yesterday and reminded me about the scene in "Dances with Wolves' where the medicine man just walks up to her and says "You are through mourning now". 

i sometimes believe it is that simple. Other times, i don't.
i am moving. i know this. i can't remember what it felt like to have Him choke me, and i don't hear exactly what his snoring is.
All the 'protected' feelings have finally faded from memory. i guess it is like getting used to a leg someone amputated.
i had a lot of phantom feeling there for a very long time.

i STILL have a whole little recorder of his messages that he left on my answering machine. i have not listened to them in a very long time.
i sleep with Kevin's shirt (time for renewal on that) and AJ's canes, and sometimes the teddy mom gave me. Security blankets of being alone.

i think now, that the only way to move on is to be loved- to be cared for, and to have others write over those feelings.
Doing it after healing is good.
Doing it instantly to avoid all this is not.
i think that is what we often call 'rebound',  and ALWAYS happens with men more than women. They dive into a new relationship to immediately replace the old one and write over all those patterns quickly so as not to feel their loss.

i have one friend who married the rebound. Another was sport fucking 24 hours after his relationship  broke up. AJ took 7 days from uncollaring Sherry Lee to taking me on. Some men even overlap them so that there is never a day without a partner.



The difference between 'normal' and  M/s life is that we are seriously co-dependent.
A GOOD, serious, responsible, "model" M/s relationship (between any 2 or more people, in any configuration) SHOULD be about people so intertwined that they cannot get through an hour without thinking of the other, referencing something, worrying, wanting to have some kind of contact.
Distractions - including high paced work lives, seriously ill children or parents, even major disasters like hurricanes and floods- none of those things stops the inter-connectedness. EVERYTHING references back to the other (s) in M/s eventually. Especially for the slave (s).

i see relationships where the dominants are not involved with their slaves day to day lives, or can't dictate what they want to have happen (not  WON'T, as in when a slave is married but none the less is really owned and while the owner COULD call and have them drop everything for the owners need, the owner decides not to do so *at that time*,  but CAN'T,  as is the owner doesn't  really own and have total control, they just have partial time or are 2nd on the slaves priority list by the slaves choice), and i see that not as M/s, but as D/s or even mentoring with benefits.

Ownership? It's total.  Slave might work, but both slave and owner know that at any time, should the owner wish to exercise the right, they could  order the slave to come home early,  they could suddenly decide to make decisions for the slave about work (do the slaves job) or even call and say "quit today. Come home. You don't work there anymore'. How they use that power- or what THEY want for their property- is up to them. NOT FUCKING with a good job or messing up the long term financial situation for them both is USUALLY the smartest choice an owner can make. But if they do not have the OPTION, then fuck it- they don't own, they rent.

Slave might have children, commitments, and be a devoted mom (or dad, but follow me here). Society would dictate that an Owner would never ever interfere  with the mother/child bond. Maturity would say  that owner should never feel they need to have attention at the expense of the children. Some respects would say that no Owner should ever do anything but facilitate that relationship and help the slave raise those kids. But really- REALLY- if an Owner doesn't have that RIGHT- and the slave doesn't  get to that place (over time) where they, in their heart, would do WHATEVER owner wanted- even something henious in regards to handling or giving up their kids- then really, deep down- they are renters, players, part time dealers, D/s people using M/s terminology.  THAT level of commitment usually freaks out everyone on the chat boards and fucks them up bad.

Slave might have working arms and legs, be HIV free, whatever... while they have (hopefully) bound themselves for life to someone who shares their common values and is mature and stable, the reality NEEDS to be that the Owner can exercize any option-- even changing those listed above- should they choose.

Radical thinking? Not 10 years ago or more. it's only since the internet let every wanna be whiner that read 1 fantasy book suddenly show up at a play party and think that their opinions are just as valid as the old time serious players that have been around the block a while  that the discussion has even HAPPENED where outsiders get to throw their opinions and judgments on TPE relationships.
i read people all the time screaming bloody murder about how abusive it is to even THINK that kind of relationship should exist.

Fuck them. They have no idea what service, slavery, and being tied to someone can boil down to. They want to keep control over something. Now, if an owner wants to GIVE you BACK that control, great- then you can think that about YOURSELF. But until you give all that to someone else, you haven't gone there. Until you have lived with the real bottom line being "HE SAID SO", you aren't there yet.

Conversely, some slaves find that they CANNOT carry through an order with an owner and feel they have failed. BUT-- maybe they just had the wrong owner. Maybe they cannot cut their hair for that guy-- but 5 years later, when the one who owns them says "you need to chop 4 inches off that mop today" they find themselves JOYOUSLY doing so.

Flip side of the coin here is Ownership. You have flesh? Well.... if you CAN take whatever you want, and have chosen, for your own reasons and purposes, NOT to do so, then you are an Owner.
If you CANNOT bring yourself to do so even though you WANT TO (call her at 3 am demanding she drive over and give you a blow job? Tell her to quit work? Burn a hole in her chest with a cigar?) you are either too  much in love (which then becomes the OWNER of both of you) or you are a renter. Don't kid yourself. If your slave has offered up their very soul and you have chosen not to take it all (right now) for whatever reason, be it that you are feeling that you are still learning how to handle all that power, you haven't learned how to single tail, or you want to see them graduate school and don't want to stop their learning process, THEN you are an Owner. If you and your slave are both excited about that idea but haven't gotten to that point yet-- you are owner (or renter with an option to buy- LOL!).

i think people are intrinsically afraid of slavery. i think 90% of all the people out there that grab that word and call themselves Owers or slaves or Masters or servants are somewhere between dabbling  dilletants and frightened excited edge players working on getting to just this point. In between is 90% of all the noise we hear, and all those conflicting view points that have decided that since they SAY that all things are valid and equal, they ARE valid and equal. i challenge that view as well.
i think the idea of a woman being totally at the mercy of a man scare the fuck out of feminists and battered women and submissives that have felt abused and those with bad relationship pasts. i think the idea of a man completely owning someone else and being able to tell her to dye her hair or slice her breast or order her to move or chain her for a month freaks out most domly types because that kind of power scares them and the couldn't handle it and don't want it. And they don't think anyone ELSE can either since THEY can't.

Maybe some of the people living these relationships ARE over some line imposed from the outside. Where is that line? WHO should impose that line? Does it become abusive when the slave says so? Or when the neighbors say so? Or when the courts say so? Or when te Owner says so?

THOSE are valid questions.
Do i think i was at that place? i don't know. He never asked many of those things from me. He did  order me to live  without Him-- harder than cutting off my hair or my arm. Harder than killing ones self. Harder than anything i have ever had to do. It is an active daily chore i do for Him, this living without Him and moving on past Him, a thing i have to WORK at most times, a thing i need to PUSH myself to accomplish for Him on a DAILY basis. Every time i get out of bed and force myself to become better. Every time i make a playdate. Every time i meet someone for coffee.

There are moments and hours and people that move me past that commitment of slavery, that put me in their bubble of security and love and sex and trust and i am 'independent' there. It is, however, fleeting.

Eventually, i wake up and am back here.
i am still in service to Him. i am accomplishing my life for Him.
 

Is that it's own paradox? That i am uncollared and still in service? That i am serving my Owner by falling in love and finding other service and a new Owner? That i can look into another man's eyes and hear  that new Master on the phone and want to drown in what that new relationship tells me? That my active daily chore of surviving and living and finding a new happiness is what i was TOLD to do?


i am following the worst most terrible orders anyone ever gave me and demanded that i do.
i loved Him so much and am still so in service to Him that i MUST do that.

Most people cannot grasp that concept. Those that understand it are few and far between. Those that LIVE IT and WANT that kind of commitment are, for the most part, dear friends.